In the world of dating, there are two phrases that are more misunderstood than any other. “Be yourself,” and “Be confident.” “Be yourself” is actually heard much more often, and probably ten times more misunderstood than the other. However, there’s no way I could do the question justice in this article (we could probably write a whole book on “being yourself”), so I’ll focus on confidence for now. When you ask what a confident person is, the usual answer is along the lines of “Someone who expects to win in whatever he does.” You picture a man who goes to every golf game expecting a hole in one, as well as thinking he will lay every girl he talks to.
You imagine this man walking up to a woman thinking, “She is mine. Whatever I say is going to work.” And this is why you’re stuck with shitty results. You’ve confused confidence with delusional positivity, or even worse, hopeful optimism. Confidence is not thinking you’ll get the girl. Confidence is NOT CARING if you get the girl. There are definite parallels between optimism and confidence. The key distinction is that when you’re confident, you are optimistic in general, not for a specific situation. If you’re walking up telling yourself that you’re going to get that girl no matter what, you’re already dead in the water. This is because you know on every level that not every approach closes, and most don’t even really hook if you’re going in direct. When I go up to a girl, my core belief is “I’m having fun tonight with or without you. I’m getting laid this weekend with or without you. Whatever you say or do, I will be fine no matter what.” When a girl senses this detachment in you, she is immediately more attracted. She knows that she’s not an important part of your life, and that you can walk away at any time and forget about her. This applies to other areas of your life as well. It’s one thing to walk through a dark alleyway thinking “I can kick anyone’s ass who comes out of here.” An even more powerful belief which any person, weak or strong, can take is, “No matter what happens in this alleyway, if I’m mugged, beaten, or shot, I will be ok. Nothing will stop me from being happy and successful. If I’m in a hospital for two weeks or two months, I will recover. Even if I die, I’ll die happy. I am totally fine.” This sounds like a strange attitude at first, but take a moment to consider it. If you were a UFC fighter, and eavesdropping on your opponent in his locker room, which statement would scare you more: “I know I can kick this guy’s ass. I’m so strong and quick. It’ll be easy!” or “Yeah I’m ok with losing all my teeth tonight, no biggie. Book me a hospital bed tonight in advance. I’m going to keep hitting him until my arms break.” I don’t know about you, but the second guy is someone I really don’t want to mess with. That second fighter is the kind of guy who will take your strongest hit and keep fighting until you lose, even if it costs him everything. As Rocky says, “It’s ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.” With girls, you want to carry the confidence of, “I’m going to pursue you no matter how many times I get rejected. If you reject me, tell all your friends I’m creepy, and get me banned from every bar in this city, I don’t care.”
When a woman knows she can give you her worst and you’ll still be standing, she has every reason to give you her best. She knows that you’re pursuing her because you want her, not because you need to feel better about yourself. She also understands that it’s likely you’re going to give another woman a back-breaking orgasm that night so it might as well be her. Confidence is letting go of outcome for the moment, while constantly moving towards your goals in general. You go for what you want, and don’t care if it doesn’t happen tonight, because your success is inevitable.