So why didn’t you approach her?

Don’t ask me “who?” You know who I’m talking about.

The girl at the bar last weekend. Or the one in the coffee shop. Or on campus.

If you’re like most people, you have a very logical, sound reason for it. She was with her friends and you didn’t want to embarrass her. Or that guy next to her was likely her boyfriend. You really had to pee and didn’t want to be jittery while talking to her. You were in a sad mood and knew you’d look bad anyway. Why waste the effort?


All of these excuses are valid. However, they are still excuses, and miss the bigger picture. Using these excuses make the fatal error of turning an “I won’t,” into an “I can’t.”


Ask yourself to look honestly at your past excuses and think of what the likely result would have been if you went ahead and approached. Would it have likely been anything more than an awkward, embarrassing, rejection? Would anyone with any power over your life punish you for talking to this girl?


There are likely no negative consequences of making the approach, aside from temporary emotional pain.


You may think this is a rallying call to step up and face your fears and approach anyway. That is a great idea, not where I’m getting at in this article.


Instead, I’m going to let you off the hook for all the approaches you’ve been missing out on.


Wait, what?


You don’t have to approach that girl in the coffee shop, the club, or at school. You don’t have to ask that smiley waitress for her number. You don’t have to go for the kiss on your date.


All that is optional. If you approached every girl you were attracted to and escalated to the point of unequivocal rejection, you would never get anything done in life.


Now that you know what’s optional, you need to know what is absolutely REQUIRED.


Accept Responsibility


There are only 2 things you must do for every girl you are interested in.


  1. Honestly acknowledge that you chose not to approach. It wasn’t that you couldn’t. It was that you chose not to do it.
  2. Honestly acknowledge the reason why you chose not to approach. If you were too scared, admit it to yourself. If it’s because you didn’t know what to say and were worried about making a fool out of yourself, that’s ok too. Own the fear.


A Few Pointers


There’s a few things you should know that will help you with approaching.


  1. When you see a girl you want to approach, do it instantly. Even though you don’t know what you’re going to say it will make the interaction feel spontaneous and thus more interesting.
  2. The worst thing that’s ever happened to me is getting slapped in the face twice, and that’s out of over 1000 approaches. Rejection is not a big deal.


It’s perfectly ok to say “I pussied out.” Last Thursday, I was out with a friend, and I asked why he wasn’t talking to girls. He simply said “I’m being a bitch tonight.” Saying that didn’t lower his self esteem. It actually empowered him to take action in the present moment. Once he stopped resisting that he was afraid, it became a lot easier to talk to women, and he got several numbers. As Carl Jung says, “What you resist, persists.” Instead of resisting your fear, accept it, and then let it go if you can.




If you do wimp out (and you will), don’t beat yourself up over it. Treat it like a basketball shot that didn’t reach the net. You just shoot again and again. No one’s watching.