Be so good they can’t ignore you -Steve Martin
Most of my life I didn’t believe I could do the things I wanted to.
I wanted a girlfriend, but I was afraid girls would reject me.
I wanted to play football, but afraid I was too small.
I wanted a blog, but I didn’t think people would enjoy reading my content.
You may not have been as unsure of yourself as me, but you can probably relate to the feeling of wanting to do something but but letting uncertainty get in the way.
There are many ways to overcome those fears and uncertainties. You may have some mental blocks from your early childhood, or you may be listening to other people telling you that you’re not good enough. The best way to get what you want is by working on your confidence.
My Confidence Story
At the age of 17 still having no girlfriend and no luck with women I assured myself I was doomed for life with romance. My friends were all getting girlfriends and had no issues with women whatsoever which only made me more sad. I was the outcast. The only guy in the group girls weren’t attracted to. I was mumble from the movie “Happy Feet.”
Two things would continuously go through my head. Either I was gay, and I didn’t know it yet or, I was destined to live a lonely life.
I finally got a girlfriend senior year of high school with the enormous help of a friend. After we broke up, I went back to loneliness for another 2 years.
Now I was a 20 year old hard working citizen with no girls in my life. The one thing that kept me going was I was crushing it at work. I was making really good money I even bought a nice condo at age 20.
And then it hit me. I bought a nice condo at the age of 20….
How many people are able to do that? Not many. How was I so good at my job and making money, yet so terrible at attracting women. I walked into work every day feeling like the MAN why didn’t I walk into conversations with women like that?
The answer is confidence does not spread across all verticals. People are confident with the things they excel in, and business was one of my strengths. So I asked myself, can I become confident in something I’m bad at?
I busted out the drawing board and wrote down all my strengths and weaknesses with women.
Strengths – I’m funny, I make girls laugh. Girls feel safe around me in a friendly way. I’m a gentleman. I have good communication skills. I’m loyal, caring, considerate.
Weaknesses – Girls aren’t attracted to me. I don’t turn girls on. I don’t feel worthy enough for women. I fear girls won’t like me.
I knew what I had to do. Work on my weaknesses so I can turn them into strengths. I made a game plan. I was going to go out to different venues – bars, clubs, social gatherings, parties, etc. and talk to women.
It was a rough start. Girls were talking to me but I still wasn’t getting anywhere. About 2 months into my plan, I was at a friends party and I was talking to a girl. I was almost certain she was into me and all I had to do was go for the kiss, but I wimped out. I didn’t go for it because I was so afraid of getting denied.
Later that night I spoke to my buddy who is extremely good with women and I told him about how I was too scared to make a move. He told me something I’ll never forget. He said “Mike, you need to fake it till you make it. Expect to succeed.”
After that night I started going out pretending like I was the MAN, pretending like I had an abundance of women and unlimited options despite being a loser with no women in my life but my mom and sister.
I continued going out 3-4 times a week putting all my effort into it. Even nights I didn’t feel like going out or felt sick, I’d still show up. They say “If you aren’t up for working out, at least go to the gym and stretch.” And that’s exactly what I did.
Much to my surprise, it actually worked. Girls were responding well to me. I would go for a kiss when I felt it and actually get it! I would ask for phone numbers and girls would give them. Not every time, but my results climbed upwards. Hell some girls even offered their phone numbers without me asking.
Combine expecting to succeed and hard work & dedication, my ability to attract women strengthened by the day. And 1 year into it, looking back on where I started, I saw a little boy with a ball of energy and no idea how to direct it.
Since then I’ve had a few great relationships and met some amazing women.
I’ve had several people ask me if confidence can be learned. The answer is yes and I think by sharing my path it may help you align with your own.
1. Understand that confidence is not universal
Do you think Michael Jordan has enough confidence to succeed in everything he does? The answer is no. Michael Jordan was a phenomenal basketball player yet a terrible baseball player. Why? Because he put all his energy into basketball, practiced hard, and was passionate about the sport.
Gaining confidence in one area of life does not give you confidence in all areas. What makes this so great is that you can learn how to be confident with anything.
In high school I was always trapped in the “friend zone” with girls. I could have accepted the fact that I was terrible with women, or that being attractive wasn’t a trait I would ever have.
Instead I worked hard on my weakness and told myself I was going to be attractive no matter what it took. I talked to many women trying to understand them, went on lots of dates, and kept at it until I finally became the attractive male I always wanted to be.
If there is an area of your life you where you aren’t satisfied with the results that can be changed. All it takes is focusing on that area and working to improve it.
2. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses
The first thing I did was learn who I am. In order to do this, I identified the difference between who I am, and who I think I should be. I realized that just because you get labeled or believe something a person said about you doesn’t mean it’s what you really are.
One way I was able to identify my strengths and weaknesses was by listing out 5 things I am good at and 5 things that need work. Then I take the list of things that need help and make the effort to work on them daily. One of the most difficult and most important things was to not let ego interfere.
3. Expect to succeed
Confidence does come from your accomplishments… but there is another element that goes into it because you can have a bundle of accomplishments, but lack confidence.
When I say to expect success, you might be wondering how you can do that. It’s no different than the alternative. Have you ever gone into a situation thinking you were going to fail or something would go wrong?
Some people say to expect the so you’ll never end up disappointed. I disagree. Pessimism and Optimism are contagious, and you are more likely to attract what you concentrate on.
Going into a situation expecting to succeed helped me get what I wanted.
4. My Own Confidence Chart
I wanted to have a cheat sheet I could use as a reference anytime I wasn’t feeling confident or success felt so far away.
I created a confidence chart to help me have the proper mindset of a high confidence individual and look at whenever I needed it:
5. Where I am vs. where I want to be
I think about the things that are really important to me, and how I am going to achieve them. Then I create a road map that draws out where I am now and where I want to be. Next I do a simple 3-step process:
Envision. To get to where you want you have to envision. Everyone is a visionary, but we also have the capability to talk ourselves out of that vision. As a leader of your own life, it’s critical to have a clear picture of the path you’re going to take.
Plan. It’s hard to reach your goal with only a vision and no plan. I often see companies come up with an idea and then tell their employees “make it happen.” It usually results in an uncoordinated effort that leads to failure and the company ends up blaming the employees. Taking the time to plan how to get there will help you achieve confidence faster with less speed bumps along the way.
Execute. Executing is usually the hardest thing because people tend to be lazy. You have to stop talking and thinking and just do it. Once you know where you need to go and what you need to do in order to get there, get it done either yourself or by delegating to others and holding them accountable.
So don’t say you lack confidence because we all lack confidence. We all have insecurities, fears, doubts, and uncertainties. Choose something you really want to be confident with, examine your weaknesses, and follow the 5 step path to guide you there.
As you get better you will also gain a feeling of genuine confidence because you’ve earned it. Think of confidence like a snowball rolling down a hill – slow start, but once it’s rolling you will gain lots of momentum.
One last takeaway – with great power comes great responsibility. Know the difference between being confident and being cocky. Nobody likes the person who is full of themselves so don’t go down the road of making huge claims, bragging, or even using cheesy pick up lines. Be your best self.